The Journey of Conscious Parenting
“Know! This world is a very narrow bridge. The most important thing is not to be afraid.” - Rabbi Nachman of Breslov
Crossing the Narrow Bridge
Rabbi Nachman thus challenges the individual as he or she faces the vicissitudes of life. Life is indeed a very narrow bridge, complete with snares and stumbling blocks. Yet the view from this bridge can be breathtaking and inspiring. As we cross the bridge of life, it is our choice to approach the future with hope and joy and avoid fears and anxiety.
When one is crossing a narrow bridge the first rule is to keep your eyes straight ahead. Do not look down or back. Trust in yourself as you keep putting one foot in front of another that you will then arrive at the other side.
The journey of conscious parenting, as opposed to the journey of parenting implies that consciousness is a prerequisite to this kind of parenting: It is not, it is more a result. A gift received through certain ‘efforts’ this consciousness is to be gained on the Way of Conscious Parenting, if one can think of ‘parenting’ as a Way or a Path to consciousness. This will be a Way of inner development for parents in the ordinary day to day activity of being a parent. By way of a simple working definition of ‘consciousness,’ for now, let’s call it; acquiring a greater awareness or higher view of ourself in the moment.
Loving without fear, and birthing without fear are two realizations of conscious parenting which you will, hopefully acquire here, These two realizations are certainly tops on a list of desirable outcomes for new parents and parents-to-be. These ‘two wishes’ are a starting point. Wish is the most powerful thing in the world. With conscious wish everything comes. If you “wish” you “can.” Without “wishing” you never “can.” Now on your journey we shall give conscious-intentional love a deeper look.
To accomplish love without fear requires great courage. Courage however is not the absence of fear. Hero’s will experience fear. What sets them apart is that in the face of fear they will go forward and are not be stopped, it is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. One of the antidotes to crippling fear is to go straight through it, and you will come out the other side.
There is no way around our larger more significant fears, nor any way to avoid them. The only way out is through. The other option is to withdraw, and, as Hamlet realized, this then becomes the untenable choice; to live or not to live.
“Beneath the sword raised high, there is hell and it makes you tremble, but go straight ahead, for there you shall find the land of Bliss.”
Our culture unfortunately, has trivialized the sacred and soul shaking aspects that the poets of by-gone days have sung about so highly. One of the reasons that our times have seen such an attempt to minimalize and transform the feelings involved in deep, abiding love into sex is the fear of loss, and to dull the pain of this imagined loss. We all carry buried in our subconscious, the wounds of childhood. The pain of abandonment is the greatest scar of childhood. I have treated literally thousands of adults whose daily problems stemmed from the message that they have internalized from rejection as a child. That message is “I’m not worth loving.”
Rejection is the greatest fear a child can feel. As John Steinbeck states in East of Eden: “The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime, guilt—and there is the story of mankind.”
Yet to dull passion is to dull joy. And it is passion itself that gives us the energy and courage to drive our meaningful actions. But often we are plagued by doubt, that handmaiden of fear, to cause us to shrink before the very thing we desire. It seems great nature herself has contrived to render love and fear to be bound up one with the other. But, the real question is: What shall I do in my day to day life in dealing with these, oh so important matters. Most of us deny them and act as if we don’t have to deal with this, at least not now.
Love is the beginning of the journey
Of all of our drives, the strongest is the drive to mate. We want to join with another to end the existential loneliness inherent in our being born into this life. Our attitude toward our aloneness and how we connect to others begins before birth. In our mother’s womb we learn every feeling; fear, anger, sadness, happiness and positive excitement. All our feelings are produced by hormonal chemistry and occur in nano-seconds inside us.
While in the womb, every feeling our mother experiences is sent directly to the fetus via the hormones carried in her blood. If a woman has a pleasant pregnancy, is happy about the child growing inside her and is secure in the knowledge of her mate’s commitment and support, the child in her belly will be happy and content. Not only will he be content but his neural development, his brain, will grow differently than a baby in utero whose mother is stressed, anxious or frightened.In a calm and happy mother the higher parts of the forebrain, the limbic system, the seat of the emotions, will fully develop the potential ability to love and connect.
Conversely in a stressed, frightened or angry mother the fetus will develop a more pronounced hindbrain, the reptilian brain used for defense, aggression and self protection.
Choosing the right partner, making a conscious choice coming from an awareness of what is needed in a marriage for it to work and for a family to work; this is the beginning of the journey of conscious parenting. If you are in a marriage already and you wish to apply conscious relational skills in your marriage, both partners will need to work at it together. If your partner isn’t willing or interested in ‘working’ on himself or in Conscious Parenting at this time, let it be. You can choose to work toward a more conscious relationship with your mate as well as your child on your own. The results will be for you. But both relationships, with mate and child will improve as you grow internally in your ability to consciously cope with issues that come up.
Women are the stronger gender when it comes to many traits first among them being endurance, hence the ability to endure the stress of childbirth and the rigors of motherhood. But they are especially vulnerable during the dating phase. When a woman has an orgasm her brain floods with oxytocin, the love hormone causing her to experience deep feelings of loving. A man can have an orgasm, get up and go home, or roll over and go to sleep or go to his computer. It’s just how the chemical differences show themselves in men and women. But the woman on the other hand, may feel, “He loves me, so why isn’t he holding me? Why isn’t he calling me?” If asked, the man might say something like “Whoa, not so fast, we just started dating.” For him it was ‘just sex’ but for her it was much more. Women are hard wired for eons as home makers and thus the story for her is, “Where is this going?” Men, on the other hand have their responses to sex which may be avoiding; “I’ve got a lot of things I have to do, you’ll have to wait.” Or he may not call for days. This is OK from his perspective, but she is watching the phone and trying to judge whether or not he cares.
There is an old saying about the difference between husbands and wives. “For him foreplay is what they did twenty minutes before they culminated union. For her it is what he did the week before they made love.” Like it or not these are some of the basic differences that can play havoc during the dating phase and on and on through a marriage.
A man and a woman need to come to a conscious decision as to what they want with a partner. Play the ‘Love-game’ or be committed to a lifestyle that is built around relationship.
Beyond that they need to be clear exactly to what they are committed, besides one another. If it is a traditional marriage and family, they need to know what qualities in their partner will give them a solid basis for success. The qualities that may attract, such as; broad shoulders or six feet tall or high cheekbones for a woman and big breasts or a slender body for men are not the qualities that make a successful marriage.
My list for a successful marriage goes like this: Trustable, honest, leveling (saying what is so, without games) modest, kind, generous, devoted, keeps his/her word, doing what he/she says and the ability to be transparent, that is; capable of; - in-to-me-see.
Your list may be different, but I have found that most of the qualities on my list are crucial for a successful marriage and raising children. Whatever values and character traits you and your mate manifest will show up in your child. This is why in former more thoughtful days and still in some cultures today great exploration of a proposed match is looked into and often with the help of the parents of the pair. Arranged marriages, by the way, do not necessarily mean that there is no romance, and chemical attraction, or it is forced by the parents. In some cultures, it is true an overbearing control of women still exists and the father has absolute control over his daughter, but generally not in educated traditional societies. The definition of ‘tradition’ is something that is handed down from one generation to the next.
For example among Orthodox Jews today when a young woman or man is ready for a marriage partner; what is arranged is for a couple to meet. These are usually arranged by friends or relatives who know both the man and the woman. This improves the selection process and provides more probable and suitable candidates. This process brings in the community and the family. Of course, ultimately it is up to each individual to choose their mate. Then the two meet and see if there is chemistry, attraction and a commonality of interests. A discussion then takes place where the important subjects are shared; their attitudes and feelings about having children, styles of parenting, money, future aims, etc. This is cutting to the chase. If they are corresponding types and love the same aim (to be corresponding types is to have like responses and sensibilities and the opposite which will complement each other. Your aim is the direction you wish in life) they will have a good beginning.
Then the couple goes out on three more dates to confirm their first impressions. If they both still feel drawn to each other and they want to take the next step they become engaged, and the romance begins in full bloom, leading to planning the wedding. This is a very joyous time.
The parents, usually join together make all the arrangements for the wedding in consultation with the bride and groom. The bride and groom separate for the week before the wedding. Each is taken care of by their best friends (his best men and her maids of honor) not letting the pair do anything for themselves. They are a king and a queen for that special week. When they see each other under the wedding canopy, it is like love at first sight and they both know they have found their soul-mate for life.
In America today the divorce rate is 70%. Three out of four marriages end in divorce. Among Orthodox Jews the divorce rate is 7%. All this points to “arranging” very thoughtfully your pairing for marriage. You should discuss and consider many, many aspects and include a clear conversation with advisors, yourself and your potential mate about wants, needs and values. Of course in the dating style of our culture it is necessary to be socially and politically correct, so no talk of marriage and no leveling (speaking straight to the point) take place. As a matter of fact, sex usually precedes honest discussion of what you are both looking for. This, as I pointed out earlier is most risky for the woman as her brain bath in oxytocin, will cause her to think she is ‘in love’ while he may be ‘in lust.’
An exercise I give my clients is to sit quietly, think, and then write out your list of qualities you desire in a mate. Make it your dream mate. When you think you are done: - What else? Add to the list…make it whatever you wish in your ideal fantasy man or woman. When you are through, go back and begin to eliminate all the qualities you could live without until you have the list narrowed down to the half dozen or so qualities that you won’t do without. Now you know what you are looking for in your mate. To find her/him ask yourself where you would find such a person. I have suggested going to charitable dinners, the cost per person will indicate the socio-economic level you will find. The cause of the charity will show what a person you meet there is likely to be concerned about. You can pick a charity that is an interest of yours. Also, with an attendee at a charitable event you can assume they are kind, giving and caring. And you have a topic to talk about right off the bat. If you wish a pre-marital or dating consultation please click here.
The next stage of your journey is where the comfort and connection lead to a heightened sense of self and each other and is a ‘gift’ (that is something you didn’t have to work for and puts you in ‘the present.’) This is a taste of a higher state of consciousness, one in which you enjoy taking responsibility. Caring for the other and being aware of their every feeling and need. Becoming response-able (able-to-respond) is the long term solution that builds a healthy and strong relationship.
The Conscious Part of Conscious Parenting
I begin this important section with a quote from my good friend and the artist, who created the painting on our book’s cover entitled ‘Kissing the Boo boo’ - Alex Grey
“How do we keep our third eye open and why do we want to? Seeing through the third eye is like aesthetic contemplation. There is a quality of naked wonder mixed with intense curiosity. When we view art we enjoy the magnificence of creation. Through aesthetic contemplation our awareness is trained to recognize the beauty of life in resonance with others. To keep our third eye open means seeing and realizing our oneness with universal creativity.
God manifested the cosmos with its infinite life forms and structures, in order to see and experience creation through as many eyes as possible. God wants to see the beauty of creation and unless your third eye is open witnessing and enjoying the unfolding of your life, "you" are in the way. If Oneness is creating the infinite multiverse in order to be loved and you do not love life, you are impairing God's enjoyment of creation. Stop it. Enjoy now.”
The conscious part of conscious parenting is to become conscious of “your self” in your life at this moment. We need to realize that only five percent of our behavior is visible to us. When I become aware of myself behaving in a way that I don’t want my lover to see, my child to copy, then my awareness of my lover or my child, in that moment can act as an ‘alarm clock’ to bring me to a more conscious moment. The more difficult my child is acting and the more I am reacting inside the more productive the work of consciousness. Provided you want to become more conscious using your parenting. For the ‘gift’ of the limerence, that bleary-love-feeling at the start of your love affair or in the beginning of your journey with your beloved child, is actually a beginning gift of being more present.
Becoming a conscious parent requires us to become conscious of what happened to us in our childhood. We are the living proof of our programming and our early conditioning.
The Honeymoon Effect
The day before you met the love of your life: If we ask; this morning how long did it take you to get dressed? Oh, maybe ten minutes. And ask: How long did it take you to eat lunch? Oh, maybe ten minutes and I wiped my mouth quickly with my sleeve and I was out the door of Burger King. Now let’s say you meet the love of your life and you are going to take her out on a date. How long would it take you to get dressed now? Oh, well, maybe an hour or an hour and a half.
And how about when you go out to the restaurant, how’s your etiquette? Oh, I’ll be on my best behavior, I’ll remember every point of etiquette. I would not talk with food in my mouth and I’d think about everything I was saying. So why do we call this the ‘Honeymoon Effect?’ Because you were being very conscious of yourself when you met this person and weren’t letting the automatic programs take over, you were being much more self reflective. When you are self reflective then you are operating out of your intentions and your desires. If you go back and think about how beautiful life was in those moments. You were the healthiest, the happiest you ever were in your life. You had more energy than at any other time and life was beautiful. But then the honeymoon ends. The vacation is over and now life comes back. Gosh, I have to think about paying the rent, making decisions about my life and this new love with me. Once your intellectual mind starts wandering with thoughts and concerns, at that moment you are no longer self observant. Once you are no longer self observant you are no longer in a conscious state. You are now run by all the subconscious programming that you got from other people.
So you are in this wonderful relationship and your partner asks you a question and you’re somewhere in subconscious mental chatter and you answer abruptly. This is the first time you have answered this way because you were conscious. Your partner looks at you with wide eyes and says; where did that come from? Well, it has always been there but it was invisible it was subconscious and you say, what do you mean? I’ve always been this way because you didn’t see that you had just changed into another personality for a moment which is a shadow part of you and unconscious. This is the time in the relationship where the partner asks, whom did I marry? This is not the person who was on the honeymoon.
So it really becomes very important for us to see that when we become conscious our life is beautiful. We are the happiest. Going back to those moments and asking yourself; why was I so happy then? It was because at that time you were fully conscious. Then when that disappears you are acting from your subconscious programs and these are invisible to you. When you recognize this you will also recognize that your child sees and records the five percent when you are conscious as well as the ninety-five percent when you are unconscious which is not your behavior but what you got from your parents and your grandparents.
Becoming Conscious
At this point you are asking yourself; Well, how am I going to become more conscious? If you are asking this question from the place that has the possibility of becoming conscious that is very good indeed. There are many ‘ways’ that one can become more conscious and we shall take a journey to explore them together. I will be your guide for I have spent many, many years in the pursuit, study and practice of developing consciousness.
It all begins with remembering to be self-observant. Say to yourself: - “Remember Yourself” Just saying those words will alter your state and in that moment you will be ‘conscious.’
“Remember Yourself” Always and everywhere. As often as possible, remember to –“Remember Yourself”! |
